Wearing Blue Jeans and Eating a Chiquita Banana

epic amounts of epic adventures...

2011-08-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

so, apparently I have either been basking in the Free Willy moment since DECEMBER or I have had epic amounts of epic adventures.... which to clarify it was the latter. The epic adventures last year involved, enjoying a Vermont winter, basking in the Puerto Rican sun, taking adventures with imaginary creatures with my students, embracing the democratic process in Minnesota with movers and shakers from all over the country, flying across the pond to attend the International Democratic Education Conference in England, moving (boo, for boxes), presenting a workshop on educator activism in Portland, OR and then *finally* landing back in the Rockies, gearing up for the beginning of this school year.

Now those were just the "physical" adventures, since my last post there have been loves, spiritual connections, deepened community connections, moments of clarity, mental & emotional fog and many moments of appreciation. I think gradually & organically I will integrate the small pockets of wisdom I have gleaned from these last couple of months into my more frequent (fingers crossed) blog posts.

The most prominent pocket of wisdom I am plopped in, is this idea of "going with the flow." Now let me just say that when I heard this (or any form of this phrase) prior to this summer, I would instantly shut down and all I would hear is the Charlie Brown teacher voice "wah wah waaaah wah wah" What the hell does that ACTUALLY mean?! Does that actually work in real life? I don't get it... then all of a sudden a friend of mine over dinner described how we never see nature screwing up (envision a bird all of a sudden tripping, saying "oh shit, oops"). NO we don't see that, not at all, and it is because instead of birds tripping up all over themselves when things don't go planned, they gracefully turn into the wind. In other words, they "go with the flow." It is amazing how much this has helped me shift my constant worry to me just "worrying" about the 1/3rd of things I can control... THIS is what the wise people from many spiritual practices talk about when they mention openness. Without openness, there isn't interdependence, flexibility, or creativity, instead we have static, boring, worry-full lives.

Free Willy. yep.

2010-12-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

enough said, go to this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iTcKR4_dTg

sa la na a yuum iasis!

radical love

2010-12-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

I want someone who LOVES me, unconditionally; someone who is equally in awe of me, as I am with them. I want a partnership that truly & actively embodies being each other’s PARTNER, meaning that each piece will do (and does do) ANYTHING for the other.

I have already told you that I want someone to love ALL OF ME, including, both, the bad, the good, the obvious and the not so obvious parts of me, and everything in between. When something become complicated or in the least bit hard, I want someone who STAYS, and doesn't split at the first sign of trouble. I need someone who wants and is able to put in the work. I want someone to not have any question about the love they have for me (and vice versa), this is not to say that I want a partnership that avoids questions. It is actually quite the opposite, I want radical love, a love that is a partnership that involves EACH person being committed to discovering and re-discovering each other… this is something that comes from a DEEP RESPECT for each person’s “person” and it involves continuous questioning and dialogue.

heart broken...

2010-09-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

my heart is broken. for all things that have lost their freedom. for all the people who have lost love. and for all the people have yet to know freedom or love. my heart is broken because people have forgotten both love and freedom.

a curious pet peeve discovered

2010-08-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

I discovered one of my biggest pet peeves today... I hate when someone or anyone diminishes someone else's experience, especially when it is centered around the observer's narrow definition of what is right and what is wrong... I mostly see this when adults talk about people who are younger, so in relation to time, for example,

you don't understand what I am saying because you are YOUNG and you don't have as much experience in this topic as I do

....blah blah blah.

The curious thing about this pet peeve though is why I have this belief and where it comes from. I have this qualm, I realized, because I ALREADY diminish my experience to not being as good/or as legitimate as someone else's experience or opinion. In the heat of the moment, I get defensive about this because subconsciously I know my experience simply cannot be diminished any more, because otherwise I cannot continue to act from this place.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, who has the authority to deem what is a legitimate experience or who determines what person's perspective deserves more attention? Apparently, I need to restructure the value I hold in my life that truly attempts to honor EVERYONE'S unique experience... and extend it to also honoring my own.

a lone ?

2010-07-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Is it bad to feel alone? I feel alone A LOT, and I rationalize to my self that my feelings and actions while alone are simply because I am so exhausted from whatever I had happened to be doing that day. Maybe that is true but maybe it isn’t… perhaps this new situation of living completely alone is something I really need to get use to, perhaps add some structure, become more comfortable with time…. Ah now THAT is an issue, my sense of time has always been fast paced, urgent. But now, I find myself again in the time of transition (or perhaps I never got out of it?) it has become more apparent how relatively slow things go. And I think this is because I have been living alone, out of school and in general out of regular contact with the people I use to see most frequently. Initially I was (am?) excited about having this blank canvas, where I can TRULY choose how to fill my days. Right now however I am finding it overwhelming. Since returning from my BUSY trips I have found myself frequently watching hours upon hours of television…. Maybe that is okay, maybe this is simply process, of my resituating myself in this new environment. I perhaps am being to hard on myself…. I heard from somewhere that if you listen to every little voice in your head, you will go crazy… maybe I am headed towards being an example for this person.

Why do I feel like I have so much trouble with “free time” and/or being alone. Is it because as I was growing up I was never alone and never had “free time.” Am I perhaps being a bit to hard on myself and am I putting expectations on myself that I am the only one ever who is THIS alone and who does is THIS (nothing) during their “free time.” Does this trouble with free time/being alone relate to a truth I hold that living is about being affirmed that your existence matters, which is an external motivator right??? Well maybe I am looking too much for external affirmation that I feel “lost” without someone affirming my actions (step in long list of boyfriends, people pleasing personality, insecurities in conflict)…

Maybe I need some hobbies, or maybe I am just in a lull and when the school year starts back up then I will be my usual swamped self? Why do I do this, overload my days with work?

This is so funny, because whatever is happening right now is totally important for the process, and I am totally NOT trusting the process.

I think part of the issue too is that I have very demanding ideas of what I “should” be doing. And so inevitably, that fact that I don’t live up to these “shoulds” means I am beating myself for not doing them.

Where is the line between being flexible and comfortable with down time and still setting up a structure in order to DO and CREATE?

WTF. facebook. (1 of many)

2010-05-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

I was informed by facebook today that APPARENTLY people who like the show DOUG "also like" Michael Jackson....

OF COURSE, I can see the connection for sure! (sarcastic tone)

PS Out of pure principle, I will not "like" MJ even though I do "technically" like him. WTF facebook.

dreaming of r/evolution (again)

2010-05-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with melting snow outside of my window, fresh mountain air blowing in from outside and fresh flowers next to my head. And instead of getting straight out of bed to finish up my project (due tomorrow, sadly) I grabbed my book la otra campana which is a beautiful book written by Subcommandante Marcos and the Zapatistas... I woke up dreaming of r/evolution and a world where many worlds can fit. I had a flash back to my time in Mexico City with the Panchos, longing for that raw and whole feeling that I felt daily.... and now I am sitting typing on my laptop, on facebook (again) and drinking coffee from corporate coffee brand x that exploits Mexican farmers... Current Standings "corporate coffee brand x." =bastards, me = hypocritical and questioning

Gods, heros, demigods…

2010-02-19T11:30:00.000-08:00

Why is it that throughout the history of our world and even now, humans have been so obsessed with heroism, gods and, recognition from these higher beings. Not that I am one to talk, although I don’t prescribe to any particular idea, I do have this same internal compass that I have noticed a lot more recently. I have this deep desire to save this planet, much like a Greek hero; I feel this constant pressure to perform, to help the common good. I feel this need to prove myself, even to be recognized for my efforts. I also feel like I have unnoticed and potentially underappreciated powers. Hello personal anxiety of not living up to people’s expectations!

My name, Haley, means hero, which I have instinctively embodied. And please, don’t take this as me complaining or me saying that this desire to help isn’t an authentic part of myself. But instead take it more as a general wondering of how this has affected and does affect my life. I take the hero/helper role in school, family relationships, career, love etc. again the word embody, comes to mind. Along with taking on the role, the hero complex affects my outlook on life, often times I create plans about what could be/ what should be/ what I want it to be (some would connect this to visionary) but inevitably I am disappointed and completely let down with people and reality. Hello depression.

Like so many others, I want my presence to mean something; I need recognition from something bigger. How do I achieve this? Can I achieve this? Should I even want to achieve this? How do I conduct my life if this isn’t my goal? Maybe I don’t need recognition from someone or some energy that is bigger, I just want someone to care about me in my entirety (other than my mom). Hello hopeless romantic.

Due to recent events, I have realized that I cannot save everyone. This is unbelievably heartbreaking to me. Even now as I write this I get choked up. What does this mean for how I live my life? If I cannot save someone/ something do I continue the fight knowing that I truly have no control or power? Yes. I continue to fight because I still believe that there are the ones who can be saved. Wow. I sound egotistical. Or at minimum ULTRA-scary-religious. Fuck. Hello hero complex.

Will I die inevitably for the sake of humanity without a heart intact because of my own self-absorption or will I die without a heart because of the despair that comes when you cannot save someone?

F***ing Shakeaspeare

2010-02-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

F***ing Shakeaspeare...

“For sorrow’s eye, glazed with blinding tears,

Divides one thing entire to many objects;

Like perspectives, which rightly gazed upon,

Show nothing but confusion, eyed awry,

Distinguished form."

What an eloquent description of what it is to see many perspectives… it alludes to this sense of being completely overwhelmed to the point that you and your tears (pain) often filter your perspective of others perceptions. Wow, the true ACT of seeing the many layers and general chaos within reality is an unbelievably painful and isolating process.

obesessive

2010-01-01T18:12:00.001-08:00

I heard a quote from a book a couple of weeks ago, that said something like, "95 % of the thoughts that a person has daily and overall throughout their entire lives, consists of the same topics." To me this provides some clarity into my life and even the general redundancy and dull life that the average person leads. Our mind naturally concerns its self with things it can already comprehend, things that it is comfortable with. So perhaps that is why TRUE creativity is SO rare amongst our "advanced" race, maybe this is why so many people find comfort in the pursuit of the stereotypical life, childhood, school, job, spouse, kids, death. MAYBE this also why I obsess over love and finding love and past loves and hope for future loves. MAYBE this is why I dream of revolution but am never able to enact, MAYBE this is also the mechanism that keeps us unhappy. By obsessing over an idea we don't ever get to live the reality that does exist. And also by obsessing and fixating on this idea you can't ever cross the line into making it true. So what then does that leave us, leave me, to do?

push the envelop. push your mind beyond the comfortable. but how?

intentional whim?

2009-11-06T15:52:00.000-08:00

On my meditative drive to Boulder this morning, with cotton candy in the sky and my bumper stickered twin car driving in front of me (Non-judgement day is near, If we kill innocents we become the enemy...) I thought about this story that a friend had told me several months ago. It was about this random guy walking, coming from one direction, and a girl walking, coming from the opposite direction and when they crossed paths the girl suddenly embraces the guy and gives a passionate kiss and walks away. WOW. love this. It is human connection spontaneously combusting into something quite beautiful. I have since been plagued daily, by thoughts of what it would look like if I responded to my every whim...whimsical? I personally think so. BUT WHY DON'T I EVER ACT ON MY POTENTIALLY BEAUTIFUL WHIMS? Why don't I jump over these weird personal and societal barriers? because those barriers are sometimes in place to keep me safe/protect. For instance, if everyone where allowed to act on their whims then killing someone else could be okay (this is an extreme but you get the point). So then I thought about acting intentionally on a whim? Does that make the difference? I really like the phrase "intentional whim" in itself because it alludes to the gray, the irrational, unquantifiable that does occur frequently in this life we have. Can a whim have intention, is it still considered a whim?

For instance there was this little girl laying down in the middle of a dried up fountain, I wanted to join her, but her mom might have thought I was a creeper...

OR there was this stunning rock climber man type at the bank, glowing smile etc. What would happen if I just gave him my number and walked away?

OR what if I just called up kevin, aka person who broke my heart, and asked him if he would meet me on campus and hold me for awhile right now?

OR jump into that HUGE pile of leaves

...all of these thoughts were just from today. what to do. what to do.

am I becoming an apathetic adult?

2009-09-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

long time no blog...

I was driving at sunrise today and I thought about how within that last couple of months so many people have "let me down" (literally everyone) and I was thinking about how I may or may not becoming more numb, more cynical and far less trusting... I then thought back to something a friend mentioned a couple of weeks ago; she said that she hates it when people who are young, idealistic, passionate, full of life etc "sell out" and become a "housewife-type" uncaring of the social justice issues they had once fought so hard for. Well, I have always had this belief too and now I am wondering if I will turn into one of those apathetic, self interested, cynical adults... do most people become an apathetic adult simply because people let them down so much... because being human is actually about letting people down and being let down? On a related note, the reason why I love being with children and acting "childish" is because it is me being loving, hopeful, trusting, creative, spontaneous; everything that life should be but the more and more I love, hope, trust, create, be spontaneous the more and more people let me down... it is SO PAINFUL. Is this why people "grow - up" into apathy, because it is easier to be self interested, self reliant, ignorant rather than trying and hoping? WHICH IS BULLSHIT!

people are broken (my autobiosophical narrative)

2009-05-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

People are broken. So many. I don’t come anywhere close to understanding. I cannot seem to relate. I have had things in my life that have shaped me into who I am but I have never felt the pain that so many others have. I have seen others in pain. Their struggles. and more often than not, I internalize them and make them my

own.

I internalized my mother’s pain that came from her alcoholic husband whom she still loved. My father. I internalized the pain of my father who had to make a choice, he was in love with not only his family but also with Coors. He chose the latter. I internalize the pain of my brother Wesley, who relieved it through cutting and drugs. I internalize the pain of my brother Neil, who has had been struggling with acceptance for most of his life. Over this last year he was accepted into jail, two different times. I internalize my best friend’s struggles with her Vietnam Vet of a father. I internalized my cousin’s sexual assault. I internalize the suffering that comes along with knowing so many who have been raped. I internalize the pain that still haunts my grandmother whenever she sees a Volkswagen bus…. I internalize the suffering of the Mexican woman who cannot find a home for her children within this melting pot. I internalize the suffocating of each child when they are told to sit down, keep your mouth shut and listen.

I internalize the suffering of the middle age woman who tries to find herself through Nora Roberts’ novels and Oprah.
I internalize the MASSIVE AMOUNTS of pain that increases with age and the pain that the young feel too…

I am gullible. I am naïve. I accept it. My beliefs all lie in hope,
maybe this is because my self hasn’t felt the “actual” pain? What is the “actual” pain? Can’t I still feel it, even if it not my own? Is it still legitimate? Can I continue being hopeful in a world that wants to suck it out of me with each and every rotation?

I think so.

So much of my life has consisted of me picking up all of the pieces, all of the things people don’t want to look at, all the things people leave behind and are broken. This is not to say that all that I do is charity work, or to totalize any of my relationships of being less than authentic. NOT AT ALL. But instead alludes to my ability of seeing the silver lining, not just in clouds.

When I say this last line I think of a child. Children. Very mothering of me right? Predictable of my sex? No.

Because of this ability to be hopeful and naïve I do have times where I am completely disoriented, without hope and overwhelmed. These serious “spells” happen every year and a half or so. My most recent one the tangible after effect was this black hair. It is kind of funny when I look back on it, but in each of these spells, I come out transformed and with that I accept these spells as part of the process. I actually, in some, potentially twisted, way, find hope in the cycle that hurts me so much. ANYWAY, during this last spell, I began to feel that I didn’t have a self. I didn’t have something (or anything) that was uniquely me. This scared me. I looked at all the interactions I have throughout the day, who I am around, all of the things I do and all of the things that I do or don’t say. I saw myself as being a different self in every situation. I am the ultimate people pleaser, to the point that I am the self that others need me to be. With that I began q ue sti o n ing everything that I do, the things that people say I am and everything that I had assumed was me, I questioned whether or not I actually enjoy wearing polka dots (I do) I questioned my desire to change the world. Actually read my blog from around that time.
_______________________________________________
Happy Now? Blog entry January 5th, 2009

what makes me happy, when I actually try to answer this question my mind stands still, there are no words that ring true, I would like to say that helping others makes me happy, I would like to say that I enjoy X, Y & Z, but…. Nothing. This has come up several times before, mostly when I am on a date or whenever someone asks what I like to do for fun… and I usually say something like, I don’t have a lot of time, I enjoy reading, that’s it and then I dodge the question. I haven’t really thought anything of it, just thought that trying to save the world was enough or watching chick flix by myself was enough of a release. I might end up killing myself if I keep on living this way or shall I say this lack of living. It isn’t that I don’t have a life; it simply is that I don’t have one that is enjoyable. For as long as I can remember (this I can truly say) I do things for others, always, I am a self-identified people pleaser, I have formed life around helping OTHERS, in every aspect, not just as far as academia, but work, family, friends, appearance, love. I am so far gone, that I don’t know what is me and what is a performance, so many (mainly the people I please) feel that I am strong, reflective, bold, spontaneous… basically all the things that I think I want to be but am not at all. The people I have in my life see me as this, because I have formed to their need at that time. What is it that makes me TRULY happy…? I guess the more open question is who am I now? Truly, it is hard for me to even list true traits, learner? Nope, can’t stand the pressure of knowledge. Bold, most definitely not… I completely close up around large groups of people, reflective? No I hate writing because of the pressure that comes along with expression, putting yourself out there and no one understanding. Beautiful? Uncomfortable in my own skin completely. Intelligent? No I have to work SO HARD….

Why do I have to try so hard at everything, how is it that others can live and be, SO EASILY, it is a struggle for me to even relax let alone be… maybe people struggle internally too, but why don’t they show it, do I not show it? The world is messed up. I am a mess. I am so uncomfortable with not knowing, I write shit like this, die my hair, listen to certain music, all of which to fit into some mold, some idea EVEN THOUGH I am “SO” against, cookie cutter people… WHY DO I MAKE LISTS? Many think its because I am organized… no it is to make sure that my life and time fits perfectly so I can please everyone, it is an obsession. How is it that I say that I enjoy traveling and yet when I am, all I can think about how uncomfortable I am and home? How is it that I say I want to transform education, and yet at that same time I cannot bring my self to start actually doing it? I technically like teaching but I get knots in my stomach worrying about what is going to happen and I dread actually being there. I dread a lot of things, I completely worry ahead of time. I say I believe in the many forms of love and yet I cannot seem to see any love most of the time. I say I am lonely, and yet I cannot bring up the courage to change it, instead I sit here and watch movies, is this lack of movement because I am so tired from pleasing everyone else? Probably. I am expecting way too much of myself, expecting that I can PLEASE EVERYONE and then at the same time try to please myself. PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS>>> and yet after this rant I will probably still call mom and see how her day was, still push myself to see everyone, talk to everyone, return things, work two jobs because I can’t just say no, still go to school feeling miserable… and STILL dream about traveling even though, I can predict that when I get there, all I will want to do is go back to my life.

CONCLUSION: I have some serious over commitment issues, seriously low self esteem because of the lack of self and major feelings of inadequacies

____________________________________________________

Conducive to the way that I process things, verbally that is, I began talking to everyone that I knew about this struggle. From each person I got different answers, different gems (or I guess its pearls). The one right now that has stuck with me and relates so much to who and where I am now, comes up after sitting down at a coffee shop with a friend several months ago (also conducive to who I am and what I embody, you know the coffee and friend thing) I started voicing my concern for not actually enjoying teaching and how I get a pit in my stomach ALWAYS, there is so much pressure. My friend at this point started asking questions about my awful pit in my stomach, when do you get it? What is it about? Is it because you hate having to deal with parents? What about the fact that you love those kids etc? I started responding and thus understanding where my anxiety came about. This anxiety came about because I care so much about how I may or may not positively or negatively impact these children’s lives. I was also worried at one point, relation to education and children that this huge part of who I am was actually not at all true, that me believing in children was false. From this conversation with my friend I recognize how much children and education are a part of who I am and my hopes for humanity. My friend (later on in the conversation) suggested that the thing that may be particularly you and the one thing that you are doing to change this world is to bring about a specific awareness. Maybe we are all still our four-year old selves, all wanting to be held, playful, imaginative, hopeful, maybe your “purpose” is to revive that in people. This changed my life. It doesn’t seem like much to you all, but I have direction now, even when I don’t really believe in having “direction” This simple idea of everyone still being their four-year old selves and the fact that in order to change the world I simply need to play and be, put my anxieties to rest (for this cycle anyway). For a long time, I was so preoccupied with needing to expand my skills and become a better writer, I need to be able to x, y and z in order to spark a revolution (which by the way is completely needed), but after all this time I didn’t, and don’t need to strive for something and achieve this certain ideal. But instead, what I need to do is already there, it is.

I accept and embrace the fact that I am childish. And I don’t mind. I feel comfortable with this. I am comfortable with my place. My self.

People define themselves in many ways, but I tend to define my self in relation to others. I am okay with that. Children’s lives are guided by their relationships, much like mine is. My life and self is guided by my relationships, not just with people, but with places, actions, theories, ideas, experiences, my life is based off of these little (and sometimes large) connections.
Many people also define their self in accordance to their values and what they believe. My beliefs are simple and predictable (both of these characteristics are portrayed negatively when talking about children);

PRETEND!— coloring my hair helps me to try on new things and new ideas
HUGS!—they do actually make me feel better, I do believe in their power
JUMP!—sometimes I just jump without knowing that I can do it
LEARN!— I get so excited when I hear about something new, I am curious about everything
PLAY!— laughing, running, skipping, hiding, digging, building, drawing need to be present in my day -to -day
(! Denotes the natural excitement children have and that I do as well)
I am tangential (hence the format of this paper).
I start crying when others are crying (I internalize their pain).
I often have trouble using my words.
Life is about learning, this is not a new idea, I know, but it is ignored often. I guess this is why I am so drawn to education, social justice and children, all of which exhume learning, and at the same time need to learn in order to thrive. We need to re-learn how to learn in order to reverse this awful global situation we are in. We need to re-learn our natural inclinations of being in relationships, being open, playing, feeling and jumping. I am who I am today because of my relationships and all that I have learned.

We need to remember (re-learn) that we are all still children… why is this so bad? It is true, in different (and yet the same) capacities we all want recognition, recognition that our existence on this planet matters and that we do in fact exist in relation to others.

“Hey_____, watch me!”

Sometimes at school with the children we play with the puzzles. It is funny, my “grown-up” side of me in this situation wants these pieces to fit together so badly, and for the puzzle to be complete, but the children (I have so much to learn from them) pick up a piece, look at each individual one, and then hold on to it like hell, until they spot a place where to put it. The thing is that they don’t necessarily want to put it where it matches or fits, they are more occupied with holding it, appreciating it and then placing it where it feels right.

I have a lot to learn from them because I do pick up the pieces of things people don’t want or see value but I get stuck on holding onto it like hell. We all have bits and pieces that don’t necessarily fit… we all feel isolation & pain, we all want recognition and appreciation, we just need to remember that no matter how you look at things the puzzle piece fits, it often takes time, even if it isn’t in the “usual” way…

I have learned how to stand and share, and now I have to learn how to walk…

the world was a place

2009-03-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

I have recently stumbled upon a poem I wrote last year. I had written it right after my great-grandfather died at 103, at his funeral I had heard amazing stories and things I had never known about my great-grandfather. It was because of this that I was so sad, I was sad about all the things that "were" and how they were just stories now, nothing more... this progressed (as it usually does) to the fate of humanity. I kept on thinking about if we don't radically transform our world, all that will be left will be a story of what was... (or what could have been)

The World Was a Place…

Where the sun could be shining one day and the next it could be cloudy and dark

Where people walked with direction

Where people could change

Where people could feel the cool green grass between their toes

Where on any given night a person can look up at the stars and then look down to the ground
and feel so lucky

Where the smell of flowers was favored over the smell of money

Where everyone was connected, even WITH the obstacle of distance

Where yawning was contagious… and where smiles were too!

Where definition and numbers were arbitrary

Where communication was truly key

Where the hope of a child was valued more than the pessimism of an adult

The world was a place…
Where instead of hate there was love
Where instead of violence there were hugs

The world was a place…
Where instead of wars there was celebration
Where instead of judgment there was understanding

The world was a place…
Where instead of isolation there was community
Where instead of greed there was sharing

The world was a place…
Where instead of placing value on using your head, people followed their hearts
Where instead of people being fake they were real

The world was a place…
Where instead of arguing there was singing
Where instead of conflict there was peace

The world was a place…

quick question(s)?

2009-03-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

How are you not supposed to care if people disagree with you? Especially considering the fact that at the same time you are also living a lifestyle where you care and show unwavering compassion to others in hopes of a better world? Basically how do you care and at the same time not care? To me, this is a contradiction.

vulnerably swim

2009-02-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

Vulnerable. Scary word. Supposed to be though I guess. But vulnerable also has many other qualities; you might even say that they are admirable ones. There is a hope that exists if you are vulnerable, you are open to things, you are naturally curious, there is potential for something exciting at any given time, it gives you a rush of not knowing any outcomes (which is also scary). Being vulnerable allows you to love. So much. I must warn you though, given my experience with being vulnerable… being open to being vulnerable, hurts a lot. A lot. There is a pain that is indescribable when you cry so hard you cannot breath, when you feel so hopeless because someone or something didn’t return the openness. It is unreal how when you put yourself out there to the world, what it feels like to be in complete despair wanting nothing more then to hear something “good” and yet the death, poverty, hunger, desperation and fear is lined in everything you see still. It is hard to keep swimming, there are times I must admit, that I… stop. But there are also, inevitably, the times when I begin to swim again, refreshed and open to a cannon ball or two.

Being vulnerable makes us human, people throughout history made history because they were willing to be vulnerable; we start out in life naturally this way. We love so easily, we hope so easily, we get excited so easily, we hug so easily and somehow this is more often then not lost along the way. Why? I personally, feel like making myself vulnerable no matter the result.

Be courageous, be vulnerable. Swim. Please.

What's the diff?

2009-02-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

After a very tumultuous last couple of weeks (as well as emotional) I am stumped officially about the difference between "dreaming" and having expectations. Let me back up, after a breakdown, I started to gradually regain my footing and make it a breakthrough (this is mostly because of the amazingly brilliant people in my life). I had long talks with each of them, setting up the same personal struggles and then getting completely different (and yet at the same time completely helpful and relevant) responses. Some of things that I have taken away are 1) everyone has different versions of themselves for different situations 2) you cannot live an intentional and beautiful life with out despair 3) rather then making drastic changes to your life in moments of despair you need to look at certain threads and address them one at a time in this "web of change"... I also came to a couple of realizations about how I conduct my life, my over-usage and reliance on the word awkward, and the fact that I do not, absolutely never ever like to rock the boat.

Right now, I am actively trying to address this particular thread in my life, the thread of my uncomfortable, self critical self in relation to others. From one of these conversations, it was suggested that since one of the only things that makes me truly happy is being with children, that I start interacting with people as if they were their four-year old selves (which by the way we all are still 4 but just with layers of barriers). When I am around four year olds I feel like my true self, there is no judgement with any of our playing and life is oh so exciting... and maybe if I can interact and be this "real" me to others, that could in fact be my gift to the world... so here is where my initial blog question comes in, what is the difference between dreaming (a child-like quality) and having expectations? I am a self identified dreamer. But quite often I find myself being let down and I am wondering if it is because I have started to cross over into having expectations. If I try to not have expectations and live in the present then what happens to my hopeful and dreaming self, is it lost?

Happy Now?

2009-01-05T17:10:00.000-08:00

what makes me happy, when I actually try to answer this question my mind stands still, there are no words that ring true, I would like to say that helping others makes me happy, I would like to say that I enjoy X, Y & Z, but…. Nothing. This has come up several times before, mostly when I am on a date or whenever someone asks what I like to do for fun… and I usually say something like, I don’t have a lot of time, I enjoy reading, that’s it and then I dodge the question. I haven’t really thought anything of it, just thought that trying to save the world was enough or watching chick flix by myself was enough of a release. I might end up killing myself if I keep on living this way or shall I say this lack of living. It isn’t that I don’t have a life; it simply is that I don’t have one that is enjoyable. For as long as I can remember (this I can truly say) I do things for others, always, I am a self-identified people pleaser, I have formed life around helping OTHERS, in every aspect, not just as far as academia, but work, family, friends, appearance, love. I am so far gone, that I don’t know what is me and what is a performance, so many (mainly the people I please) feel that I am strong, reflective, bold, spontaneous… basically all the things that I think I want to be but am not at all. The people I have in my life see me as this, because I have formed to their need at that time. What is it that makes me TRULY happy…? I guess the more open question is who am I now? Truly, it is hard for me to even list true traits, learner? Nope, can’t stand the pressure of knowledge. Bold, most definitely not… I completely close up around large groups of people, reflective? No I hate writing because of the pressure that comes along with expression, putting yourself out there and no one understanding. Beautiful? Uncomfortable in my own skin completely. Intelligent? No I have to work SO HARD….

Why do I have to try so hard at everything, how is it that others can live and be, SO EASILY, it is a struggle for me to even relax let alone be… maybe people struggle internally too, but why don’t they show it, do I not show it? The world is messed up. I am a mess. I am so uncomfortable with not knowing, I write shit like this, die my hair, listen to certain music, all of which to fit into some mold, some idea EVEN THOUGH I am “SO” against, cookie cutter people… WHY DO I MAKE LISTS? Many think its because I am organized… no it is to make sure that my life and time fits perfectly so I can please everyone, it is an obsession. How is it that I say that I enjoy traveling and yet when I am, all I can think about how uncomfortable I am and home? How is it that I say I want to transform education, and yet at that same time I cannot bring my self to start actually doing it? I technically like teaching but I get knots in my stomach worrying about what is going to happen and I dread actually being there. I dread a lot of things, I completely worry ahead of time. I say I believe in the many forms of love and yet I cannot seem to see any love most of the time. I say I am lonely, and yet I cannot bring up the courage to change it, instead I sit here and watch movies, is this lack of movement because I am so tired from pleasing everyone else? Probably. I am expecting way too much of myself, expecting that I can PLEASE EVERYONE and then at the same time try to please myself. PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS>>> and yet after this rant I will probably still call mom and see how her day was, still push myself to see everyone, talk to everyone, return things, work two jobs because I can’t just say no, still go to school feeling miserable… and STILL dream about traveling even though, I can predict that when I get there, all I will want to do is go back to my life.

CONCLUSION: I have some serious over commitment issues, seriously low self esteem because of the lack of self and major feelings of inadequacies

old soul in this crazy world

2008-12-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been concerned (along with many other things) about the loss of tradition. Not in any way like the tradition in the way of staying true to the constitution or tradition in the way that families should be organized in the nuclear family. No. It is much more than that. We have all of these "modern technologies", like being able to read an entire book without any pages, the loss of language and vocabulary for the sake of quick and efficient communication, the loss of the art of beautiful penmanship, because it is far better to use 12 point times new roman standard text. Yes. Along with these technologies, there are technologies of the internet, iphones, ebooks and the computer, we now have access to a far more vast amount of knowledge then ever before. However, since people communicate with email or text message and now have the ability to instead of physically receive, see and touch a letter or read a book there is something that is being lost... is this just another way that we are losing our connection to others and reality? If everything is in cyberspace, how will we feel the loving and yearning tone that comes along with a handwritten letter that has travelled for so long and so very far? Do you miss the effort that the author put into publishing a book? Do you message of this same book if you cannot actually turn the pages with your fingers? What happens when the loss of language affects or ability to communicate and thus share with each other? All for efficiency sake... is quite scary. What about the beauty that comes from any written piece of work or the inspiration that comes with a enchanting conversation...

I have come to realize and a couple people have mentioned that I am an "old soul." This term use to mean, I feel, to be something similar to a compliment, but now I feel that it is almost derogatory. But why is this? There is a popular song that celebrates the "new soul" which brings up to me the idea that everything that is old has been deemed out of date, inaccurate and less worthy. I don't understand what happened why is old bad? Just because I feel that there is a power and grace that defines what language is... Just because I enjoy old films where by listening to the conversation or monologue your breath is literally taken away, I enjoy reading novels that you literally cannot put down because the language is so stunning and tear worthy, just because I enjoy depth to my life instead of the superficial that is quite popularly provided by cosmopolitans, binge drinking and football games... and just because I feel that passion and love should be felt from far beyond lust and superficial obsession, it instead involves time, care and fireworks. Just because I find all of the above true and cherish the art of the written word should not deem me out of date, but should instead reflect my concern for humanity and the present state of love...

There is a dreadful song that asks "where have all the cowboys gone" and I would ask the same of the poets, the lovers, the philosophers, the writers and the old souls.

an ache

2008-12-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

How do you miss someone that you never knew was gone ? How can you ache for someone you don’t know?

heart hurting like hell

2008-12-17T13:47:00.000-08:00

Something that I have realized about myself, even more so lately, is that I am one of those people, aside from getting excited easily, I also love so much and so easily. There is a line from a song that goes “….a heart so big it hurts like hell…” I think this describes me to the nth degree. Does this make me unique though? Or does everyone feel that way about themselves? (If this were the case I would find a little more hope in the world) Is this because no one really communicates or talks about what their actual fluctuating emotions are? Is everyone hyper aware of their emotions and so stuck in their own head (potentially moi) that they lose sight of others’ emotions and others’ big hearts?

Another set of questions surrounding this idea of a “heart being so big it hurts like hell…” personally I wonder why a person who loves so much can at the same time feel SO alone, that doesn’t really make sense… I know life and thus love is never supposed to make sense… but still how is it that I can love so much and yet I feel so alone? Is it because I can love SO much that I deter any potential companionship, do I subconsciously recognize that that person doesn’t experience love in the same way or in the same amount that I do, that I actually push them away? But by the act of pushing, doesn’t that show the opposite of being able to love easily? And does having a big heart mean that you are sympathetic? Maybe it does involve being sympathetic but means you are never apathetic. Never NOT caring. Loving easy also means that you often set yourself up for pain… SO much pain, in fact. And loving easy means also that you basically stand in line to get hurt, over and over again. I want to be loved back in the same way SO bad, but this connection may never exist, which is so sad.

if only academic papers could change the world...

2008-12-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

This most recent Thursday, was the last day of classes and the first day of the chaotic and ridiculous (on so many levels) time of finals. I was sitting in my Peace & Conflict studies class, listening to the closing (or perhaps opening) lecture on how to change the world. The professor had armed us through the duration of this fall semester with skills in hopes that we can make “2.0 solutions” to our world, to help save it. This class was a class that was very different from the rest of my academic career on campus (other than INVST which is in a whole other BEAUTIFUL realm), instead of being obsessed with achievement and lecturing down to students, the professor asked us to engage and communicate with each other after an initial prompt at the beginning of class. This sounds great for those of us who want to radically change education; communicating and critically engaging with the issue is key to education reform… the question that I have in regards to this topic is why did I not want to go to class? Me, you know potentially advocating for the rest of my life for critically engaging with information, “learning comes through discomfort” me. I think it could be that I am still in a place where I cannot put up with the airhead in the front row who, “couldn’t vote for Obama because she feels her Dad’s million dollar business shouldn’t have to give their money to some crack whore on Colfax…” I later thought about the fact that this could affect her monthly escalade size allowance…hmmmmm. Anyway, it also could have been the fact that I felt like I knew all the information already… HELLO you can always learn! So I am still in a state of confusion about this semester. And instead of stopping the pursuit of this certificate like some of my friends who I love and completely respect, I have decided to stick it out and learn! YAY!

From our closing/opening lecture when the professor had mentioned 2.0 solutions right after he had talked about the vast amount of information that is so exciting that we have access to now… I started thinking about my 2.0 solution… and this is connects with the airhead in the front row… I have always had trouble understanding the concept of “ the unique individual” that the United States in particular advocates for, and then relate it to the fact that so many people have trouble really thinking “outside of the box” and I am not just saying liberal thinking, it goes far beyond definition or category. THIS DOESN’T MESH! I then think about the beliefs that I hold that each person is born with a sense of connection, curiosity and openness… which is later crushed by our education system that socializes us to be an “individual” devoid of connections, close minded behavior and people who take things at face value. There is something here… why in a time where we have so much information and technology to connect us to one another and different knowledge’s that we, as a society, feel so isolated to the point we stay in this isolation not wanting to ask questions and learn? HELLO EDUCATION TRANSFORMATION! So my 2.0 solution, is to change education, instead of killing the curiosity and learning by 2nd grade, we promote and encourage questions an exploring and living in the “gray areas” of life, this way people can create 2.0 solutions instead of reinventing the wheel or trying to “spread democracy” when it obviously isn’t working and STILL doesn’t even exist…

Is an anti position, a position?

2008-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

After going to a protest a week or so ago and seeing a large amount of people, I have begun to think about what it means to create change, what does it involve? Does it involve going to a protest once a year, complain about an issue and then go back to your "normal" life the rest of the year? I THINK NOT! From my interactions at this protest majority of the people, knew just enough about the issue to complain about it but they didn't know (or want to know) more about the issue to even begin to address it. So is this particular protest a way for "social change agents" to feel better about themselves and is not actually changing anything? And with that point, can you create change by one or more "anti-positions"? From this experience I am definitely taking away the need to know what you want when you are promoting a different world. If I for instance build my life against something, my life and my actions are still being controlled by this something that I am against, and thus you are still living in the same world...

on a side note my roommate found an article about the increase in the amount of sex people are having in relation to the economic crisis... is it weird that I find this hopeful, it is almost if our capitalistic society is finding the greatness of the idea Make a lot love, not a lot of money. Love it.

I just Feels Like Sombody's Watching me....

2008-11-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

This is a thing that I just want to put out in the open (open meaning on a blog that very few people read, which means this will probably have little or no impact...) Is it just me who feels like someone is looking at them, am I trying to read into something that isn't there, am I flattering myself (which if this is the case, it is slightly annoying). Most days, and today especially, there are people that I initially notice, then the same people, same person, I feel, glances over at me, a couple of times... do I look like I am crazy, or do I have something in my teeth? Is it because I am discreetly glancing at them that they glance at me? For instance, in today's case there was someone standing at the microwave in the UMC, who had particularly caught my eye and while his food was cooking, I swear I felt him glancing over at me? Is this NORMAL? Does everyone feel like someone is watching them? Are we all trying to flatter ourselves? Are we all naturally attractive in some way? Is this the ultimate form of hyper-individualism that plagues our society?

... with that being said, I think if I see the microwave man I will say something to him...like "hi" and maybe if they have heard the song by Rockwell...

Instinct

2008-10-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

I overheard this conversation that was on the radio while I was flipping through the channels the other day. (imagine static-ey voice) “we just need to get away from our animal, instinctual ways… to create sustainable change” This snippet of conversation caused me to briefly think oh yes mindless consumption and the barbaric, YET “more civilized” conduction of war…. Oh yes getting away from these animalistic instincts that are automatic and mindless is a good idea. Later, I (again while driving in my vehicle) started to think about all of the good things that are so natural, human and (some might consider) instinctual. There is an often overlooked fine line between the entire elimination of animalistic behavior and the natural state of being human (and thus being an animal). As life gets more complicated and more artificial (sadly, for lack of a better word), there are things that keep our lives pure, true, spontaneous and often full of love and many of them are animalistic in a way. Some examples would be, rubbing a child’s back when they aren’t feeling well, hugs, laughing when some one starts laughing, desire to be near someone, desire to be recognized, the natural inclination to communicate with others, all of which I would argue to be part of instinct. This I am sure is not a “new idea” but it is something that came up; is it possible that the large societal problems that we are facing are actually because we have ignored our instinct and the pure fact that we are human? Mother culture says (and our education system perpetuates) this idea of trying to achieve perfection and thus trying to achieve the ability to never make a mistake. Mistakes are seen as weak; the concept of weak is connected to emotions, the feminine, negotiation, openness, listening…. Mistakes are seen as awkward, unmanageable, wrong, naïve… these mistakes are very rarely accepted and valued as “part of the process” or part of being… and living in this not so black and white world… maybe being comfortable with mistakes and “the process” can be seen as a sign of a much deeper inner strength as opposed to weakness. What if the instinctual (and arguably the most beautiful) things that all of us do and society condemns, is what really matters in creating sustainable change. What if the instinct of making love held more importance then the barbaric and violent feelings “normal boys should have” and are thus, encouraged to demonstrate in peewee football games?

Numb Creation

2008-10-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

As some of you know (or at least from my last couple of blogs you can tell) I have been in this kind of “dead” state; a numbness for sure. I am constantly confused about almost everything… the things that I use to know, now it is all upside down and gray. It is hard for me to see the purpose of things (like going to school, doing homework, commuting, worrying about moving, working) if there is in fact no point, it all seems so arbitrary. Some people might find hope in this “potential”, this not knowing about what provides “meaning” is exciting etc. I use to think I was one of those people however, more and more I want to hold onto something familiar. Yes I know human desire to control, mother culture socialization… STILL! For example, is this idea of mother culture BAD or purely true or is it both (isn’t something being “both”, or it “all being gray” a statement of complete truth and not OBJECTIVE too!?) So then what is the point of theorizing (or blogging for that matter) at all? WHAT IS THE POINT!!!

Oh yes this idea of “point” philosophers and religious figures alike have pondered over this concept blah blah BUT SO WHAT! It is still a relative truth, it is a truth in my reality, something I am struggling with…. The statement of “relative truth” is still stated as a complete truth in itself… a vicious cycle. I am stuck! I don’t know left from right, up from down or if I should even differentiate between the directions…

On a semi-related note, today, I have been contemplating the idea of building and creating… not just with macaroni noodles and glitter glue… has our society gotten confused about building something, creating a meal from scratch, hard work, seeing the ENTIRE process as it unfolds, have we mistaken, losing weight, climbing the corporate ladder as a way to build (yourself up)? Have we mistaken the long process that involves integrity, critical engagement and hard work all of which go into “form a more perfect union” as “actually” something the “experts” do, while we “live, laugh, and love” our lives away? On our personal level, formation of a perfect union most certainly involves People magazine, liposuction, protein shakes and credit cards (consumers for our capitalist union), just like blond hair, blue eyed Armenians were the people of “the perfect union” WHAT ARE WE CREATING? WHAT ARE WE BUILDING? IS “PULLING YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS,” TRULY ADMIRABLE?

There is no answer, so then what’s the point… the “potential” of something more “perfect”?

ignorance + travel plans = bliss...?

2008-10-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

So ignorance is bliss... potentially? After my last 48 hours of having a big breakdown in my life and my ideas corresponding to it, I had to come out of my isolation of sleeping, crying and numbness and back into reality today. I had to not skip class, not stay in my pajamas drinking juice all day and instead I had to live out my day like everything was okay... sounds pretty similar to our current world, accept for the drinking juice part instead we where blue jeans and consume. I was (of course?) pleasantly surprised during each of my classes to find myself in a better mood, whether this is from being in reality or from ignoring my internal reality I am not sure... this is a fine line, both on a personal level and societal level.

One of my best friends in the entire universe was part of an awful and unwarranted conversation with me an hour ago, where I completely blew up. I am sorry for this. This conversation evoked my emotions to come barreling back into my view and pushing out the likelihood of a constructive conversation. I started spewing out "shit" and how everything is shit, how I can't get out from underneath it to see the good blah blah blah. At this point I would continue talking and would continue not listening to her.... ignoring her support NOT SO BLISSFUL FOR EITHER OF US!!!

So the idea that has been interlaced and connecting my thoughts throughout the day, and the idea that partially helped me cope when I wasn't in class was the idea of taking time to do the things I want to do (which in itself through the last couple of years is a reoccurring theme). I started thinking about if the shit does hit the fan soon, what is it that I truly want to do before it happens, just in case if I cannot do it in the future. Of course it goes to traveling, pretty typical and predictable United States-ian college student response... fulfilling this hollywood-ized ideal of traveling to discover yourself, trying new things, experiencing different cultures etc. And of course the top places I want to visit are European countries; going to museums, landmarks, clubs, seeing beautiful architecture etc. AGAIN PREDICTABLE. So I was (and am) completely planning out how to get there, what to do to get there... achievement linear based crap... I don't know what to do, I am torn between two ideas and lifestyles, all of which potentially coming from me not knowing who I am and not knowing what I want or simply questioning if I truly know who I am because realistically people your age never know who they are... I have this ideal lifestyle that I hope to lead, and then there is this idea of travel and mainstream culture that I think might make me happier, both are in contradiction to each other... right now though I am so saddened and worried about the state of the world that I want to not have to deal with and strive for the harder lifestyle option and instead I want to travel, do the society accepted thing to do AHHHH I want to travel! arg. I am still stuck. About everything. As much as I would like to ignore it there is a larger issue that I am not addressing, is it time that will help, could it be travel, do I have depression like the rest of my family and/or should I continue living in it? My view of it now is travel plans... I guess

the state of love...

2008-10-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I am so sad and scared. I don't want to lose the world... I don't want the shit to hit the fan... I love, so much. I start getting this feeling that there is a rock in my throat holding me back from breathing. I get this feeling when I think about our hope and possibility getting closer to being lost. I cry sometimes, actually it is becoming more and more frequent. I am so worried about the state and future of love. I think that we don't realize that it is love that is onthe line more than anything else...more than any idea, more than any person, more than any policy, more than money... all that we love and the ways we love will be lost...

I want the cosmic beams to show our holy lives of love, and not the chaotic static that has started to take over. I am tired of hate, loss and pain. I am tired of fear and money. I am tired of being tired. I want so much to just be, I want harmonious rhythm to guide our days. I hope for a warmth that starts with tingling in our toes when we see each other. I hope that all that is love cannot be lost.

love lies in breath.

Blog Title explanation and "Universal" Questions

2008-07-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

A point of clarification, my blog title “Wearing Blue Jeans …” comes from a couple of months ago. While reading Bill McKibben’s Deep Economy, I began to realize how much I honestly didn’t know, I began questioning my own actions & intentions and how those impact the world. Through this I came to the inconclusive conclusion… hypocrisy and ironies line my life and just a guess, they line others’ lives as well. The blog title is a reference to what could be, a potential title to a memoir… My Hypocritical Life Wearing Blue Jeans and Eating a Chiquita Banana. Life has so many depths, that are explored, unexplored, shouldn’t be explored, could be explored, you get the picture, and of course this is where a lot of the confusion comes out, in my case it is often expressed in the ways of hypocrisy and irony during the eternal process of self exploration… which is a whole other topic in itself (but with a connection obviously).

These questions were written and thought of gradually over time in the last couple of months (sparked by Deep Economy), some I think I have insight to at this point, however, this potential insight is sure to change. In contradiction to mother culture’s belief that questions need to have answers; I don’t want answers because I don’t think there is just one answer, I think answers depend on the person, that moment in time, it depends on things you often can’t see or predict, sometimes it just is…that is part of the beauty in life that we so often miss, its spontaneous, undefinable, thus it is exciting and hopeful…. This list of course, much like life is evolving, it will be added to, it will be consolidated, it is sometimes flexible and it will inevitably change…

Here are the questions that I want to put out in the universe…

Why do people hate?
Why do people love? Is it innate?
Why do so many turn to consumption (drugs of all sorts) in response to the never ending struggle and search for happiness?
Is happiness really a social construction?
How are we all so blind to reality? Do we want to be blind to reality?
Why do we have to define and control things?
Why are the people who are trying to change the world hypocritical?
Why do we almost always live for the future and yet at the same time disregard the sustainability of humankind?
Why are we consumed by fear and yet we aren’t scared for our sanity?
Why don’t people care?
Why did we and why do we make EVERYTHING a product, something that needs to be “made” and “bought”?Why do we look outward instead of inward?
How do we live in a “strong” country while in debt?
Why do people choose to have no choice?
Why do we get so wrapped up in looks?
Why do we see corporations as individuals, you would think that since we are “experts” in the field of individualism we could define and recognize it….?
Why do a lot of us favor the individual and yet we choose to homogenize the globe?
Why do we kill?
Why do we package EVERYTHING?
Why do we exploit others? Do we do it on purpose, on some level?
How do we love the shade that trees provide and yet we don’t mind cutting down so many?
Why did and do we cut ALL of our connections?
Why don’t we love easier?
Why do we obsess over this single idea of perfection when the beauty is in fact in the unique chaos?

In Love...

2008-07-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

The expression "In love" is so true...

When you are with someone and you are completely wrapped up IN that moment IN each others' eyes, your minds and hearts are IN sync. When I was truly IN love the above was true. I was so wrapped up IN him and wrapped up IN the way he made me feel. Even now our connection (real or not) still haunts my dreams and my thoughts...

When you are IN love it is really hard to get out when the other person was never IN because instead of being mutually and truly IN love, you, the person who is IN love, is (was) living IN this self made perception of reality in which you are (or in my case, I was) IN... stuck potentially forever IN your thoughts and heart is this person or this illusion that you have built up in hopes that this person is the real thing and this shared experience is IN fact two people IN love. But when you don't actually live IN what is and IN reality, both of you then are living and potentially loving IN separate realms, so to speak, and you aren't IN love with each other, try as you (I) might to think that you both are (or were)...

Falling INto love is so much easier then falling out because falling IN love involves losing all reason because of complete bliss and emotional connection, while falling out of love is getting perspective and gaining reason in a condition, that is living (surprisingly), in which pain and gasping for air tears are most prominent because when coming back to reality you are even more alone then when you were IN your illusion of being IN love.

ON A VERY SIDE note: In an attempt at trying to gain perspective on this newly found realization, I wrote this, this morning waking up from the sometimes conflicting duality of a dream and the act of coming back into reality... here on the beloved Independence Day in the states. Irony I believe deserves mention at this point.

Visually speaking.... yes

2008-07-01T15:50:00.000-07:00

So, just to baseline a bit, I am spending my days constantly probing into the depths of my soul (a little dramatic, but eh) most recently on my soul radar has been me paying special attention to when I feel most moved, or when I feel most excited or passionate, I have been thinking about when I am most likely to get goosebumps and what things I find completely breathtaking. One thing that I have discovered is that I find it exciting that there are so many things that are deemed coincidental.. I love those moments.

I realized that my trouble (personally perceived) with words, and what I feel to be an inability to express my self, which I have been experiencing majority of my life, I feel, could be connected to the fact that my mind and memory processes things visually, I get goosebumps when I see; I watch things and people completely entranced. I love art, symbols, dance, light, I find movement, in every way, to be poetic. I also find the act of listening completely enthralling, my mind races instantly from and with stories... tangential bits of information floating through my thoughts and memories, this information is sparked when vocal chords and music chords are struck at just the right moment (which I believe happens a lot) , almost as if in that instant this harmonizing connection between air, warmth, tone, melody, color, pattern is a beloved, and pleasantly surprising coincidence....

life and hope, coincidentally... can be seen through the stroke of a paint brush,the tickling effect of the wind through your hair, the magic that happens when you are first kissed, the light that is "just so" for the perfect photograph, the lines of wisdom that mark the hands of grandparents, the perfect melody that goes over, under, around and through physical boundaries and emotional barriers between people, uniting so many by their breath, by their inspired voice and by beat of their internal drum....

Situating Myself and Re-membering Who I am and What I Come From…

2008-06-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

The idea of situating myself comes from a part of my life where discussion and discovery is embraced, it is a place where it is okay to explore, to learn about what actually is and it is a place where there isn’t just one truth or one answer. I am so lucky to have met this group of people that I love and whom exhume so much of what is good and nizhoni about this world. Just recently, we had started talking about the idea of situating yourself in order to create change, situating yourself and listening to others talk about their experience and their background helps this world and humanity recognize our similarities and our differences to begin to create a peaceful world of dialogue, community, connection, love… When we had talked about it initially I was caught off guard because we had all “known” each other for awhile, so why would we really need to solidify that we come from such and such economic background and this educational experience … blah blah but since the initial “situational” experience, I have realized the importance of recognizing, reflecting and revisiting our raices, it is crucial to understanding our own human struggle between our own borderlands (Gloria Anzaldua) and our individual identity, as well as the collective.
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I am a human first and foremost, and it is because of this that I long for connection, it is also because of this that I am curious and hopeful. I am a woman, a woman who loves and who is loved. I come from a very strong and connected family. I was raised by a single mother. I am a sister, the oldest. My familial roots come from Eastern Europe; they migrated to the United States in the late 1800’s. My family has a long history of very strong women (starting long before the time that it was okay for women to be independent and free thinking) even now my mom, my grandmothers, my aunts, my cousins, all have a way they talk, move, live and conduct themselves that I completely admire. I have lived most of my life in a small conservative town. I went to public school majority of my life, except for one gorgeous year at an “alternative” school, that changed me forever, learning from and sharing with the world more then I could have ever had imagined … I grew up playing in fields of gold on my grandparents’ farm and I also grew up squishing my toes in the muddy banks of a river in the Rocky Mountains. I was raised Lutheran but I have since began to believe in a force that is beyond definition and that is why it is so beautiful. Because of my family’s struggle with money, we were never able to travel and thus I began to dream…

Introducing My Hypocritical Life.... drum roll

2008-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Blogging, a new experience for me, writing is as well, so this is an attempt, by me to "use my words" to hash out things in my life, reflect on the act of reflecting and try to understand why we all do the things that we do... hypocrisy and irony most definitely included...