own.
I internalized my mother’s pain that came from her alcoholic husband whom she still loved. My father. I internalized the pain of my father who had to make a choice, he was in love with not only his family but also with Coors. He chose the latter. I internalize the pain of my brother Wesley, who relieved it through cutting and drugs. I internalize the pain of my brother Neil, who has had been struggling with acceptance for most of his life. Over this last year he was accepted into jail, two different times. I internalize my best friend’s struggles with her Vietnam Vet of a father. I internalized my cousin’s sexual assault. I internalize the suffering that comes along with knowing so many who have been raped. I internalize the pain that still haunts my grandmother whenever she sees a Volkswagen bus…. I internalize the suffering of the Mexican woman who cannot find a home for her children within this melting pot. I internalize the suffocating of each child when they are told to sit down, keep your mouth shut and listen.
I internalize the suffering of the middle age woman who tries to find herself through Nora Roberts’ novels and Oprah.
I internalize the MASSIVE AMOUNTS of pain that increases with age and the pain that the young feel too…
I am gullible. I am naïve. I accept it. My beliefs all lie in hope,
maybe this is because my self hasn’t felt the “actual” pain? What is the “actual” pain? Can’t I still feel it, even if it not my own? Is it still legitimate? Can I continue being hopeful in a world that wants to suck it out of me with each and every rotation?
I think so.
So much of my life has consisted of me picking up all of the pieces, all of the things people don’t want to look at, all the things people leave behind and are broken. This is not to say that all that I do is charity work, or to totalize any of my relationships of being less than authentic. NOT AT ALL. But instead alludes to my ability of seeing the silver lining, not just in clouds.
When I say this last line I think of a child. Children. Very mothering of me right? Predictable of my sex? No.
Because of this ability to be hopeful and naïve I do have times where I am completely disoriented, without hope and overwhelmed. These serious “spells” happen every year and a half or so. My most recent one the tangible after effect was this black hair. It is kind of funny when I look back on it, but in each of these spells, I come out transformed and with that I accept these spells as part of the process. I actually, in some, potentially twisted, way, find hope in the cycle that hurts me so much. ANYWAY, during this last spell, I began to feel that I didn’t have a self. I didn’t have something (or anything) that was uniquely me. This scared me. I looked at all the interactions I have throughout the day, who I am around, all of the things I do and all of the things that I do or don’t say. I saw myself as being a different self in every situation. I am the ultimate people pleaser, to the point that I am the self that others need me to be. With that I began q ue sti o n ing everything that I do, the things that people say I am and everything that I had assumed was me, I questioned whether or not I actually enjoy wearing polka dots (I do) I questioned my desire to change the world. Actually read my blog from around that time.
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Happy Now? Blog entry January 5th, 2009
what makes me happy, when I actually try to answer this question my mind stands still, there are no words that ring true, I would like to say that helping others makes me happy, I would like to say that I enjoy X, Y & Z, but…. Nothing. This has come up several times before, mostly when I am on a date or whenever someone asks what I like to do for fun… and I usually say something like, I don’t have a lot of time, I enjoy reading, that’s it and then I dodge the question. I haven’t really thought anything of it, just thought that trying to save the world was enough or watching chick flix by myself was enough of a release. I might end up killing myself if I keep on living this way or shall I say this lack of living. It isn’t that I don’t have a life; it simply is that I don’t have one that is enjoyable. For as long as I can remember (this I can truly say) I do things for others, always, I am a self-identified people pleaser, I have formed life around helping OTHERS, in every aspect, not just as far as academia, but work, family, friends, appearance, love. I am so far gone, that I don’t know what is me and what is a performance, so many (mainly the people I please) feel that I am strong, reflective, bold, spontaneous… basically all the things that I think I want to be but am not at all. The people I have in my life see me as this, because I have formed to their need at that time. What is it that makes me TRULY happy…? I guess the more open question is who am I now? Truly, it is hard for me to even list true traits, learner? Nope, can’t stand the pressure of knowledge. Bold, most definitely not… I completely close up around large groups of people, reflective? No I hate writing because of the pressure that comes along with expression, putting yourself out there and no one understanding. Beautiful? Uncomfortable in my own skin completely. Intelligent? No I have to work SO HARD….
Why do I have to try so hard at everything, how is it that others can live and be, SO EASILY, it is a struggle for me to even relax let alone be… maybe people struggle internally too, but why don’t they show it, do I not show it? The world is messed up. I am a mess. I am so uncomfortable with not knowing, I write shit like this, die my hair, listen to certain music, all of which to fit into some mold, some idea EVEN THOUGH I am “SO” against, cookie cutter people… WHY DO I MAKE LISTS? Many think its because I am organized… no it is to make sure that my life and time fits perfectly so I can please everyone, it is an obsession. How is it that I say that I enjoy traveling and yet when I am, all I can think about how uncomfortable I am and home? How is it that I say I want to transform education, and yet at that same time I cannot bring my self to start actually doing it? I technically like teaching but I get knots in my stomach worrying about what is going to happen and I dread actually being there. I dread a lot of things, I completely worry ahead of time. I say I believe in the many forms of love and yet I cannot seem to see any love most of the time. I say I am lonely, and yet I cannot bring up the courage to change it, instead I sit here and watch movies, is this lack of movement because I am so tired from pleasing everyone else? Probably. I am expecting way too much of myself, expecting that I can PLEASE EVERYONE and then at the same time try to please myself. PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS>>> and yet after this rant I will probably still call mom and see how her day was, still push myself to see everyone, talk to everyone, return things, work two jobs because I can’t just say no, still go to school feeling miserable… and STILL dream about traveling even though, I can predict that when I get there, all I will want to do is go back to my life.
CONCLUSION: I have some serious over commitment issues, seriously low self esteem because of the lack of self and major feelings of inadequacies
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Conducive to the way that I process things, verbally that is, I began talking to everyone that I knew about this struggle. From each person I got different answers, different gems (or I guess its pearls). The one right now that has stuck with me and relates so much to who and where I am now, comes up after sitting down at a coffee shop with a friend several months ago (also conducive to who I am and what I embody, you know the coffee and friend thing) I started voicing my concern for not actually enjoying teaching and how I get a pit in my stomach ALWAYS, there is so much pressure. My friend at this point started asking questions about my awful pit in my stomach, when do you get it? What is it about? Is it because you hate having to deal with parents? What about the fact that you love those kids etc? I started responding and thus understanding where my anxiety came about. This anxiety came about because I care so much about how I may or may not positively or negatively impact these children’s lives. I was also worried at one point, relation to education and children that this huge part of who I am was actually not at all true, that me believing in children was false. From this conversation with my friend I recognize how much children and education are a part of who I am and my hopes for humanity. My friend (later on in the conversation) suggested that the thing that may be particularly you and the one thing that you are doing to change this world is to bring about a specific awareness. Maybe we are all still our four-year old selves, all wanting to be held, playful, imaginative, hopeful, maybe your “purpose” is to revive that in people. This changed my life. It doesn’t seem like much to you all, but I have direction now, even when I don’t really believe in having “direction” This simple idea of everyone still being their four-year old selves and the fact that in order to change the world I simply need to play and be, put my anxieties to rest (for this cycle anyway). For a long time, I was so preoccupied with needing to expand my skills and become a better writer, I need to be able to x, y and z in order to spark a revolution (which by the way is completely needed), but after all this time I didn’t, and don’t need to strive for something and achieve this certain ideal. But instead, what I need to do is already there, it is.
I accept and embrace the fact that I am childish. And I don’t mind. I feel comfortable with this. I am comfortable with my place. My self.
People define themselves in many ways, but I tend to define my self in relation to others. I am okay with that. Children’s lives are guided by their relationships, much like mine is. My life and self is guided by my relationships, not just with people, but with places, actions, theories, ideas, experiences, my life is based off of these little (and sometimes large) connections.
Many people also define their self in accordance to their values and what they believe. My beliefs are simple and predictable (both of these characteristics are portrayed negatively when talking about children);
PRETEND!— coloring my hair helps me to try on new things and new ideas
HUGS!—they do actually make me feel better, I do believe in their power
JUMP!—sometimes I just jump without knowing that I can do it
LEARN!— I get so excited when I hear about something new, I am curious about everything
PLAY!— laughing, running, skipping, hiding, digging, building, drawing need to be present in my day -to -day
(! Denotes the natural excitement children have and that I do as well)
I am tangential (hence the format of this paper).
I start crying when others are crying (I internalize their pain).
I often have trouble using my words.
Life is about learning, this is not a new idea, I know, but it is ignored often. I guess this is why I am so drawn to education, social justice and children, all of which exhume learning, and at the same time need to learn in order to thrive. We need to re-learn how to learn in order to reverse this awful global situation we are in. We need to re-learn our natural inclinations of being in relationships, being open, playing, feeling and jumping. I am who I am today because of my relationships and all that I have learned.
We need to remember (re-learn) that we are all still children… why is this so bad? It is true, in different (and yet the same) capacities we all want recognition, recognition that our existence on this planet matters and that we do in fact exist in relation to others.
“Hey_____, watch me!”
Sometimes at school with the children we play with the puzzles. It is funny, my “grown-up” side of me in this situation wants these pieces to fit together so badly, and for the puzzle to be complete, but the children (I have so much to learn from them) pick up a piece, look at each individual one, and then hold on to it like hell, until they spot a place where to put it. The thing is that they don’t necessarily want to put it where it matches or fits, they are more occupied with holding it, appreciating it and then placing it where it feels right.
I have a lot to learn from them because I do pick up the pieces of things people don’t want or see value but I get stuck on holding onto it like hell. We all have bits and pieces that don’t necessarily fit… we all feel isolation & pain, we all want recognition and appreciation, we just need to remember that no matter how you look at things the puzzle piece fits, it often takes time, even if it isn’t in the “usual” way…
I have learned how to stand and share, and now I have to learn how to walk…
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