intentional whim?

On my meditative drive to Boulder this morning, with cotton candy in the sky and my bumper stickered twin car driving in front of me (Non-judgement day is near, If we kill innocents we become the enemy...) I thought about this story that a friend had told me several months ago. It was about this random guy walking, coming from one direction, and a girl walking, coming from the opposite direction and when they crossed paths the girl suddenly embraces the guy and gives a passionate kiss and walks away. WOW. love this. It is human connection spontaneously combusting into something quite beautiful. I have since been plagued daily, by thoughts of what it would look like if I responded to my every whim...whimsical? I personally think so. BUT WHY DON'T I EVER ACT ON MY POTENTIALLY BEAUTIFUL WHIMS? Why don't I jump over these weird personal and societal barriers? because those barriers are sometimes in place to keep me safe/protect. For instance, if everyone where allowed to act on their whims then killing someone else could be okay (this is an extreme but you get the point). So then I thought about acting intentionally on a whim? Does that make the difference? I really like the phrase "intentional whim" in itself because it alludes to the gray, the irrational, unquantifiable that does occur frequently in this life we have. Can a whim have intention, is it still considered a whim?

For instance there was this little girl laying down in the middle of a dried up fountain, I wanted to join her, but her mom might have thought I was a creeper...

OR there was this stunning rock climber man type at the bank, glowing smile etc. What would happen if I just gave him my number and walked away?

OR what if I just called up kevin, aka person who broke my heart, and asked him if he would meet me on campus and hold me for awhile right now?

OR jump into that HUGE pile of leaves

...all of these thoughts were just from today. what to do. what to do.

am I becoming an apathetic adult?

long time no blog...

I was driving at sunrise today and I thought about how within that last couple of months so many people have "let me down" (literally everyone) and I was thinking about how I may or may not becoming more numb, more cynical and far less trusting... I then thought back to something a friend mentioned a couple of weeks ago; she said that she hates it when people who are young, idealistic, passionate, full of life etc "sell out" and become a "housewife-type" uncaring of the social justice issues they had once fought so hard for. Well, I have always had this belief too and now I am wondering if I will turn into one of those apathetic, self interested, cynical adults... do most people become an apathetic adult simply because people let them down so much... because being human is actually about letting people down and being let down? On a related note, the reason why I love being with children and acting "childish" is because it is me being loving, hopeful, trusting, creative, spontaneous; everything that life should be but the more and more I love, hope, trust, create, be spontaneous the more and more people let me down... it is SO PAINFUL. Is this why people "grow - up" into apathy, because it is easier to be self interested, self reliant, ignorant rather than trying and hoping? WHICH IS BULLSHIT!

people are broken (my autobiosophical narrative)

People are broken. So many. I don’t come anywhere close to understanding. I cannot seem to relate. I have had things in my life that have shaped me into who I am but I have never felt the pain that so many others have. I have seen others in pain. Their struggles. and more often than not, I internalize them and make them my

own.

I internalized my mother’s pain that came from her alcoholic husband whom she still loved. My father. I internalized the pain of my father who had to make a choice, he was in love with not only his family but also with Coors. He chose the latter. I internalize the pain of my brother Wesley, who relieved it through cutting and drugs. I internalize the pain of my brother Neil, who has had been struggling with acceptance for most of his life. Over this last year he was accepted into jail, two different times. I internalize my best friend’s struggles with her Vietnam Vet of a father. I internalized my cousin’s sexual assault. I internalize the suffering that comes along with knowing so many who have been raped. I internalize the pain that still haunts my grandmother whenever she sees a Volkswagen bus…. I internalize the suffering of the Mexican woman who cannot find a home for her children within this melting pot. I internalize the suffocating of each child when they are told to sit down, keep your mouth shut and listen.

I internalize the suffering of the middle age woman who tries to find herself through Nora Roberts’ novels and Oprah.
I internalize the MASSIVE AMOUNTS of pain that increases with age and the pain that the young feel too…




I am gullible. I am naïve. I accept it. My beliefs all lie in hope,
maybe this is because my self hasn’t felt the “actual” pain? What is the “actual” pain? Can’t I still feel it, even if it not my own? Is it still legitimate? Can I continue being hopeful in a world that wants to suck it out of me with each and every rotation?

I think so.



So much of my life has consisted of me picking up all of the pieces, all of the things people don’t want to look at, all the things people leave behind and are broken. This is not to say that all that I do is charity work, or to totalize any of my relationships of being less than authentic. NOT AT ALL. But instead alludes to my ability of seeing the silver lining, not just in clouds.

When I say this last line I think of a child. Children. Very mothering of me right? Predictable of my sex? No.

Because of this ability to be hopeful and naïve I do have times where I am completely disoriented, without hope and overwhelmed. These serious “spells” happen every year and a half or so. My most recent one the tangible after effect was this black hair. It is kind of funny when I look back on it, but in each of these spells, I come out transformed and with that I accept these spells as part of the process. I actually, in some, potentially twisted, way, find hope in the cycle that hurts me so much. ANYWAY, during this last spell, I began to feel that I didn’t have a self. I didn’t have something (or anything) that was uniquely me. This scared me. I looked at all the interactions I have throughout the day, who I am around, all of the things I do and all of the things that I do or don’t say. I saw myself as being a different self in every situation. I am the ultimate people pleaser, to the point that I am the self that others need me to be. With that I began q ue sti o n ing everything that I do, the things that people say I am and everything that I had assumed was me, I questioned whether or not I actually enjoy wearing polka dots (I do) I questioned my desire to change the world. Actually read my blog from around that time.
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Happy Now? Blog entry January 5th, 2009

what makes me happy, when I actually try to answer this question my mind stands still, there are no words that ring true, I would like to say that helping others makes me happy, I would like to say that I enjoy X, Y & Z, but…. Nothing. This has come up several times before, mostly when I am on a date or whenever someone asks what I like to do for fun… and I usually say something like, I don’t have a lot of time, I enjoy reading, that’s it and then I dodge the question. I haven’t really thought anything of it, just thought that trying to save the world was enough or watching chick flix by myself was enough of a release. I might end up killing myself if I keep on living this way or shall I say this lack of living. It isn’t that I don’t have a life; it simply is that I don’t have one that is enjoyable. For as long as I can remember (this I can truly say) I do things for others, always, I am a self-identified people pleaser, I have formed life around helping OTHERS, in every aspect, not just as far as academia, but work, family, friends, appearance, love. I am so far gone, that I don’t know what is me and what is a performance, so many (mainly the people I please) feel that I am strong, reflective, bold, spontaneous… basically all the things that I think I want to be but am not at all. The people I have in my life see me as this, because I have formed to their need at that time. What is it that makes me TRULY happy…? I guess the more open question is who am I now? Truly, it is hard for me to even list true traits, learner? Nope, can’t stand the pressure of knowledge. Bold, most definitely not… I completely close up around large groups of people, reflective? No I hate writing because of the pressure that comes along with expression, putting yourself out there and no one understanding. Beautiful? Uncomfortable in my own skin completely. Intelligent? No I have to work SO HARD….

Why do I have to try so hard at everything, how is it that others can live and be, SO EASILY, it is a struggle for me to even relax let alone be… maybe people struggle internally too, but why don’t they show it, do I not show it? The world is messed up. I am a mess. I am so uncomfortable with not knowing, I write shit like this, die my hair, listen to certain music, all of which to fit into some mold, some idea EVEN THOUGH I am “SO” against, cookie cutter people… WHY DO I MAKE LISTS? Many think its because I am organized… no it is to make sure that my life and time fits perfectly so I can please everyone, it is an obsession. How is it that I say that I enjoy traveling and yet when I am, all I can think about how uncomfortable I am and home? How is it that I say I want to transform education, and yet at that same time I cannot bring my self to start actually doing it? I technically like teaching but I get knots in my stomach worrying about what is going to happen and I dread actually being there. I dread a lot of things, I completely worry ahead of time. I say I believe in the many forms of love and yet I cannot seem to see any love most of the time. I say I am lonely, and yet I cannot bring up the courage to change it, instead I sit here and watch movies, is this lack of movement because I am so tired from pleasing everyone else? Probably. I am expecting way too much of myself, expecting that I can PLEASE EVERYONE and then at the same time try to please myself. PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS>>> and yet after this rant I will probably still call mom and see how her day was, still push myself to see everyone, talk to everyone, return things, work two jobs because I can’t just say no, still go to school feeling miserable… and STILL dream about traveling even though, I can predict that when I get there, all I will want to do is go back to my life.

CONCLUSION: I have some serious over commitment issues, seriously low self esteem because of the lack of self and major feelings of inadequacies

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Conducive to the way that I process things, verbally that is, I began talking to everyone that I knew about this struggle. From each person I got different answers, different gems (or I guess its pearls). The one right now that has stuck with me and relates so much to who and where I am now, comes up after sitting down at a coffee shop with a friend several months ago (also conducive to who I am and what I embody, you know the coffee and friend thing) I started voicing my concern for not actually enjoying teaching and how I get a pit in my stomach ALWAYS, there is so much pressure. My friend at this point started asking questions about my awful pit in my stomach, when do you get it? What is it about? Is it because you hate having to deal with parents? What about the fact that you love those kids etc? I started responding and thus understanding where my anxiety came about. This anxiety came about because I care so much about how I may or may not positively or negatively impact these children’s lives. I was also worried at one point, relation to education and children that this huge part of who I am was actually not at all true, that me believing in children was false. From this conversation with my friend I recognize how much children and education are a part of who I am and my hopes for humanity. My friend (later on in the conversation) suggested that the thing that may be particularly you and the one thing that you are doing to change this world is to bring about a specific awareness. Maybe we are all still our four-year old selves, all wanting to be held, playful, imaginative, hopeful, maybe your “purpose” is to revive that in people. This changed my life. It doesn’t seem like much to you all, but I have direction now, even when I don’t really believe in having “direction” This simple idea of everyone still being their four-year old selves and the fact that in order to change the world I simply need to play and be, put my anxieties to rest (for this cycle anyway). For a long time, I was so preoccupied with needing to expand my skills and become a better writer, I need to be able to x, y and z in order to spark a revolution (which by the way is completely needed), but after all this time I didn’t, and don’t need to strive for something and achieve this certain ideal. But instead, what I need to do is already there, it is.

I accept and embrace the fact that I am childish. And I don’t mind. I feel comfortable with this. I am comfortable with my place. My self.

People define themselves in many ways, but I tend to define my self in relation to others. I am okay with that. Children’s lives are guided by their relationships, much like mine is. My life and self is guided by my relationships, not just with people, but with places, actions, theories, ideas, experiences, my life is based off of these little (and sometimes large) connections.
Many people also define their self in accordance to their values and what they believe. My beliefs are simple and predictable (both of these characteristics are portrayed negatively when talking about children);

PRETEND!— coloring my hair helps me to try on new things and new ideas
HUGS!—they do actually make me feel better, I do believe in their power
JUMP!—sometimes I just jump without knowing that I can do it
LEARN!— I get so excited when I hear about something new, I am curious about everything
PLAY!— laughing, running, skipping, hiding, digging, building, drawing need to be present in my day -to -day
(! Denotes the natural excitement children have and that I do as well)
I am tangential (hence the format of this paper).
I start crying when others are crying (I internalize their pain).
I often have trouble using my words.
Life is about learning, this is not a new idea, I know, but it is ignored often. I guess this is why I am so drawn to education, social justice and children, all of which exhume learning, and at the same time need to learn in order to thrive. We need to re-learn how to learn in order to reverse this awful global situation we are in. We need to re-learn our natural inclinations of being in relationships, being open, playing, feeling and jumping. I am who I am today because of my relationships and all that I have learned.

We need to remember (re-learn) that we are all still children… why is this so bad? It is true, in different (and yet the same) capacities we all want recognition, recognition that our existence on this planet matters and that we do in fact exist in relation to others.

“Hey_____, watch me!”

Sometimes at school with the children we play with the puzzles. It is funny, my “grown-up” side of me in this situation wants these pieces to fit together so badly, and for the puzzle to be complete, but the children (I have so much to learn from them) pick up a piece, look at each individual one, and then hold on to it like hell, until they spot a place where to put it. The thing is that they don’t necessarily want to put it where it matches or fits, they are more occupied with holding it, appreciating it and then placing it where it feels right.

I have a lot to learn from them because I do pick up the pieces of things people don’t want or see value but I get stuck on holding onto it like hell. We all have bits and pieces that don’t necessarily fit… we all feel isolation & pain, we all want recognition and appreciation, we just need to remember that no matter how you look at things the puzzle piece fits, it often takes time, even if it isn’t in the “usual” way…

I have learned how to stand and share, and now I have to learn how to walk…

the world was a place

I have recently stumbled upon a poem I wrote last year. I had written it right after my great-grandfather died at 103, at his funeral I had heard amazing stories and things I had never known about my great-grandfather. It was because of this that I was so sad, I was sad about all the things that "were" and how they were just stories now, nothing more... this progressed (as it usually does) to the fate of humanity. I kept on thinking about if we don't radically transform our world, all that will be left will be a story of what was... (or what could have been)




The World Was a Place…


Where the sun could be shining one day and the next it could be cloudy and dark

Where people walked with direction

Where people could change

Where people could feel the cool green grass between their toes

Where on any given night a person can look up at the stars and then look down to the ground
and feel so lucky

Where the smell of flowers was favored over the smell of money

Where everyone was connected, even WITH the obstacle of distance

Where yawning was contagious… and where smiles were too!

Where definition and numbers were arbitrary

Where communication was truly key

Where the hope of a child was valued more than the pessimism of an adult

The world was a place…
Where instead of hate there was love
Where instead of violence there were hugs

The world was a place…
Where instead of wars there was celebration
Where instead of judgment there was understanding

The world was a place…
Where instead of isolation there was community
Where instead of greed there was sharing

The world was a place…
Where instead of placing value on using your head, people followed their hearts
Where instead of people being fake they were real

The world was a place…
Where instead of arguing there was singing
Where instead of conflict there was peace

The world was a place…

quick question(s)?

How are you not supposed to care if people disagree with you? Especially considering the fact that at the same time you are also living a lifestyle where you care and show unwavering compassion to others in hopes of a better world? Basically how do you care and at the same time not care? To me, this is a contradiction.

vulnerably swim

Vulnerable. Scary word. Supposed to be though I guess. But vulnerable also has many other qualities; you might even say that they are admirable ones. There is a hope that exists if you are vulnerable, you are open to things, you are naturally curious, there is potential for something exciting at any given time, it gives you a rush of not knowing any outcomes (which is also scary). Being vulnerable allows you to love. So much. I must warn you though, given my experience with being vulnerable… being open to being vulnerable, hurts a lot. A lot. There is a pain that is indescribable when you cry so hard you cannot breath, when you feel so hopeless because someone or something didn’t return the openness. It is unreal how when you put yourself out there to the world, what it feels like to be in complete despair wanting nothing more then to hear something “good” and yet the death, poverty, hunger, desperation and fear is lined in everything you see still. It is hard to keep swimming, there are times I must admit, that I… stop. But there are also, inevitably, the times when I begin to swim again, refreshed and open to a cannon ball or two.

Being vulnerable makes us human, people throughout history made history because they were willing to be vulnerable; we start out in life naturally this way. We love so easily, we hope so easily, we get excited so easily, we hug so easily and somehow this is more often then not lost along the way. Why? I personally, feel like making myself vulnerable no matter the result.

Be courageous, be vulnerable. Swim. Please.

What's the diff?

After a very tumultuous last couple of weeks (as well as emotional) I am stumped officially about the difference between "dreaming" and having expectations. Let me back up, after a breakdown, I started to gradually regain my footing and make it a breakthrough (this is mostly because of the amazingly brilliant people in my life). I had long talks with each of them, setting up the same personal struggles and then getting completely different (and yet at the same time completely helpful and relevant) responses. Some of things that I have taken away are 1) everyone has different versions of themselves for different situations 2) you cannot live an intentional and beautiful life with out despair 3) rather then making drastic changes to your life in moments of despair you need to look at certain threads and address them one at a time in this "web of change"... I also came to a couple of realizations about how I conduct my life, my over-usage and reliance on the word awkward, and the fact that I do not, absolutely never ever like to rock the boat. 

Right now, I am actively trying to address this particular thread in my life, the thread of my uncomfortable, self critical self in relation to others. From one of these conversations, it was suggested that since one of the only things that makes me truly happy is being with children, that I start interacting with people as if they were their four-year old selves (which by the way we all are still 4 but just with layers of barriers). When I am around four year olds I feel like my true self, there is no judgement with any of our playing and life is oh so exciting... and maybe if I can interact and be this "real" me to others, that could in fact be my gift to the world... so here is where my initial blog question comes in, what is the difference between dreaming (a child-like quality) and having expectations? I am a self identified dreamer. But quite often I find myself being let down and I am wondering if it is because I have started to cross over into having expectations. If I try to not have expectations and live in the present then what happens to my hopeful and dreaming self, is it lost?