epic amounts of epic adventures...

so, apparently I have either been basking in the Free Willy moment since DECEMBER or I have had epic amounts of epic adventures.... which to clarify it was the latter. The epic adventures last year involved, enjoying a Vermont winter, basking in the Puerto Rican sun, taking adventures with imaginary creatures with my students, embracing the democratic process in Minnesota with movers and shakers from all over the country, flying across the pond to attend the International Democratic Education Conference in England, moving (boo, for boxes), presenting a workshop on educator activism in Portland, OR and then *finally* landing back in the Rockies, gearing up for the beginning of this school year.

Now those were just the "physical" adventures, since my last post there have been loves, spiritual connections, deepened community connections, moments of clarity, mental & emotional fog and many moments of appreciation. I think gradually & organically I will integrate the small pockets of wisdom I have gleaned from these last couple of months into my more frequent (fingers crossed) blog posts.

The most prominent pocket of wisdom I am plopped in, is this idea of "going with the flow." Now let me just say that when I heard this (or any form of this phrase) prior to this summer, I would instantly shut down and all I would hear is the Charlie Brown teacher voice "wah wah waaaah wah wah" What the hell does that ACTUALLY mean?! Does that actually work in real life? I don't get it... then all of a sudden a friend of mine over dinner described how we never see nature screwing up (envision a bird all of a sudden tripping, saying "oh shit, oops"). NO we don't see that, not at all, and it is because instead of birds tripping up all over themselves when things don't go planned, they gracefully turn into the wind. In other words, they "go with the flow." It is amazing how much this has helped me shift my constant worry to me just "worrying" about the 1/3rd of things I can control... THIS is what the wise people from many spiritual practices talk about when they mention openness. Without openness, there isn't interdependence, flexibility, or creativity, instead we have static, boring, worry-full lives.

Free Willy. yep.

enough said, go to this link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iTcKR4_dTg

sa la na a yuum iasis!

radical love

I want someone who LOVES me, unconditionally; someone who is equally in awe of me, as I am with them. I want a partnership that truly & actively embodies being each other’s PARTNER, meaning that each piece will do (and does do) ANYTHING for the other.

I have already told you that I want someone to love ALL OF ME, including, both, the bad, the good, the obvious and the not so obvious parts of me, and everything in between. When something become complicated or in the least bit hard, I want someone who STAYS, and doesn't split at the first sign of trouble. I need someone who wants and is able to put in the work. I want someone to not have any question about the love they have for me (and vice versa), this is not to say that I want a partnership that avoids questions. It is actually quite the opposite, I want radical love, a love that is a partnership that involves EACH person being committed to discovering and re-discovering each other… this is something that comes from a DEEP RESPECT for each person’s “person” and it involves continuous questioning and dialogue.

heart broken...

my heart is broken. for all things that have lost their freedom. for all the people who have lost love. and for all the people have yet to know freedom or love. my heart is broken because people have forgotten both love and freedom.

a curious pet peeve discovered

I discovered one of my biggest pet peeves today... I hate when someone or anyone diminishes someone else's experience, especially when it is centered around the observer's narrow definition of what is right and what is wrong... I mostly see this when adults talk about people who are younger, so in relation to time, for example,

you don't understand what I am saying because you are YOUNG and you don't have as much experience in this topic as I do

....blah blah blah.

The curious thing about this pet peeve though is why I have this belief and where it comes from. I have this qualm, I realized, because I ALREADY diminish my experience to not being as good/or as legitimate as someone else's experience or opinion. In the heat of the moment, I get defensive about this because subconsciously I know my experience simply cannot be diminished any more, because otherwise I cannot continue to act from this place.

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, who has the authority to deem what is a legitimate experience or who determines what person's perspective deserves more attention? Apparently, I need to restructure the value I hold in my life that truly attempts to honor EVERYONE'S unique experience... and extend it to also honoring my own.

a lone ?

Is it bad to feel alone? I feel alone A LOT, and I rationalize to my self that my feelings and actions while alone are simply because I am so exhausted from whatever I had happened to be doing that day. Maybe that is true but maybe it isn’t… perhaps this new situation of living completely alone is something I really need to get use to, perhaps add some structure, become more comfortable with time…. Ah now THAT is an issue, my sense of time has always been fast paced, urgent. But now, I find myself again in the time of transition (or perhaps I never got out of it?) it has become more apparent how relatively slow things go. And I think this is because I have been living alone, out of school and in general out of regular contact with the people I use to see most frequently. Initially I was (am?) excited about having this blank canvas, where I can TRULY choose how to fill my days. Right now however I am finding it overwhelming. Since returning from my BUSY trips I have found myself frequently watching hours upon hours of television…. Maybe that is okay, maybe this is simply process, of my resituating myself in this new environment. I perhaps am being to hard on myself…. I heard from somewhere that if you listen to every little voice in your head, you will go crazy… maybe I am headed towards being an example for this person.

Why do I feel like I have so much trouble with “free time” and/or being alone. Is it because as I was growing up I was never alone and never had “free time.” Am I perhaps being a bit to hard on myself and am I putting expectations on myself that I am the only one ever who is THIS alone and who does is THIS (nothing) during their “free time.” Does this trouble with free time/being alone relate to a truth I hold that living is about being affirmed that your existence matters, which is an external motivator right??? Well maybe I am looking too much for external affirmation that I feel “lost” without someone affirming my actions (step in long list of boyfriends, people pleasing personality, insecurities in conflict)…

Maybe I need some hobbies, or maybe I am just in a lull and when the school year starts back up then I will be my usual swamped self? Why do I do this, overload my days with work?

This is so funny, because whatever is happening right now is totally important for the process, and I am totally NOT trusting the process.

I think part of the issue too is that I have very demanding ideas of what I “should” be doing. And so inevitably, that fact that I don’t live up to these “shoulds” means I am beating myself for not doing them.

Where is the line between being flexible and comfortable with down time and still setting up a structure in order to DO and CREATE?

WTF. facebook. (1 of many)

I was informed by facebook today that APPARENTLY people who like the show DOUG "also like" Michael Jackson....


OF COURSE, I can see the connection for sure! (sarcastic tone)


PS Out of pure principle, I will not "like" MJ even though I do "technically" like him. WTF facebook.